BTW, i love you Ivony. you are horrible dirty stinky mean messed up selfish.
BUTTTTT youuuu are:
beautiful
the best smell in the universe
wonderful
perfect
LOVING
-patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not prideful, not rude, never self-seeking or easily angered, keep no records of wrong, rejoiceful in truth, protecting, trusting, hoping, persevering. never failing
insiteful
knowledgable
wise
greeeeat
faithful
my girlfriend, sister, bestfriend, WIFE.
you better not leave. you promised forever, yes i dont deserve it.
butttttt im gonna try my best most times to become close enough to deserve you.
i know for a fact no one in this universe will try harder than i will for us.
stay? hold on. never let go.
ROMANS 8:31
Monday, April 20, 2009
yeaaaah yeah yeah
yeah i know i get it. dont bug me all the time. im telling you it'll push me away.
in OTHER news, recovering. need to learn to relax and chill. trust alot more. proverbs 3:5-6 right? my fav scripture. why cant i learn from my own sermons and faith helping? where am i goign now? if you leave now, where does that leave me? im selfish, selective, picky, and reatrded for being so. i dont understand why you still choose to hold my hand. i dont hold yours. im going through motions and doing the scene. im home alone and let go of your hand there. out in the sun and i need you again to protect me. be my umbrella. but i just put you away when i get home. why do i use you as an umbrella? keeping me dry and out of the helpful rays outside of this temporary place. but when i get back into the comfort i set for myself i all of a sudden dont need you. because im comfortable. why? why do i ack dumb awlays? why do i instigate and fight you always? im losing it, going insane. kindaaaa epic, getting harder, faith has to play in alot more. ergh, help me to stop guessing and prove you right. shouldnt i know you, and who you are. what you do and where youve been. i should know. help me to have faith a bit? i can do this by myself, but id get farther with you. and plus, youve always been there for me. you could do this without me, but you choose not to. you choose to believe you cant do this without me. good. i need you, you dont need me. but then again, youre alot more loving then i am. exactly why i need you. im trying hard then i need to, if i let you be let you, id be mad. but you know better for me. i should trust more. im leaking, broken, flawful, far from imperfect, even farther from perfect. but you love me anyways. you shouldnt, but you do.
runningggg on empty, refuel me. but first, lead me to a gas station.
in OTHER news, recovering. need to learn to relax and chill. trust alot more. proverbs 3:5-6 right? my fav scripture. why cant i learn from my own sermons and faith helping? where am i goign now? if you leave now, where does that leave me? im selfish, selective, picky, and reatrded for being so. i dont understand why you still choose to hold my hand. i dont hold yours. im going through motions and doing the scene. im home alone and let go of your hand there. out in the sun and i need you again to protect me. be my umbrella. but i just put you away when i get home. why do i use you as an umbrella? keeping me dry and out of the helpful rays outside of this temporary place. but when i get back into the comfort i set for myself i all of a sudden dont need you. because im comfortable. why? why do i ack dumb awlays? why do i instigate and fight you always? im losing it, going insane. kindaaaa epic, getting harder, faith has to play in alot more. ergh, help me to stop guessing and prove you right. shouldnt i know you, and who you are. what you do and where youve been. i should know. help me to have faith a bit? i can do this by myself, but id get farther with you. and plus, youve always been there for me. you could do this without me, but you choose not to. you choose to believe you cant do this without me. good. i need you, you dont need me. but then again, youre alot more loving then i am. exactly why i need you. im trying hard then i need to, if i let you be let you, id be mad. but you know better for me. i should trust more. im leaking, broken, flawful, far from imperfect, even farther from perfect. but you love me anyways. you shouldnt, but you do.
runningggg on empty, refuel me. but first, lead me to a gas station.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
HAW ):
schooooool is getting pretty hard now. im in school now so hah.
ivonyyyyy i love you!
bessssstestestest girlfriend in the universe. i know what happened yesterday but i forgive you sweetheart. im sorrrrry for being a bad boyfriendddddd
ill update later?
just wanted to tell my wife i love her. :D
ivonyyyyy i love you!
bessssstestestest girlfriend in the universe. i know what happened yesterday but i forgive you sweetheart. im sorrrrry for being a bad boyfriendddddd
ill update later?
just wanted to tell my wife i love her. :D
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
uhhhhh
yeah she just told me 'FUCK YOU'
hmmmph, i typed out this whole epic "EH F YOU WHAT!" fricken idk. like i did nothing, i told her im sorry and that im trying and that the reason im off was because i wanted to talk, but she didnt want to talk to me. it seemed that way the whole day.
and now i have all this ergh anger in me. that im gonna once again bottle up. im not gonna deal with it. im not gonna bring it to the surface. im just gonna shove it in with everything else.
idk even know how i was being selfish? i mean i told her i was a bad boyfriend.
and no i deffinately know that i am. i told her my number one fear last night. it was losing her.
but i lied about my 2nd.
my 2nd was this day. the day that i realize i've pulled her so far away that she ends up cursing me. the one thing promised forever that is on this earth. i realized that im no good thing, she lied. she promised on us, never was i the best boyfriend in the world. she lied, PAPA, NOW WHAT? HUH? you gave me one good thing. yeah i know i screwed it up. i know i was selfish. but ugh, i feared of reaching her breaking point. i knew i pushed it all along. what do i do now? since my fear came true. what now?
i dont know, i dont like this. i dont like where were at. why cant we just love?
not this, condemning eachother now?
this is not love. Love is patient and kind.
i am never patient or kind. i deserve this.
she has every right to leave.
yeah, i've faced my fears. but now what? what do i do when it attacks me?
i forgive you.
hmmmph, i typed out this whole epic "EH F YOU WHAT!" fricken idk. like i did nothing, i told her im sorry and that im trying and that the reason im off was because i wanted to talk, but she didnt want to talk to me. it seemed that way the whole day.
and now i have all this ergh anger in me. that im gonna once again bottle up. im not gonna deal with it. im not gonna bring it to the surface. im just gonna shove it in with everything else.
idk even know how i was being selfish? i mean i told her i was a bad boyfriend.
and no i deffinately know that i am. i told her my number one fear last night. it was losing her.
but i lied about my 2nd.
my 2nd was this day. the day that i realize i've pulled her so far away that she ends up cursing me. the one thing promised forever that is on this earth. i realized that im no good thing, she lied. she promised on us, never was i the best boyfriend in the world. she lied, PAPA, NOW WHAT? HUH? you gave me one good thing. yeah i know i screwed it up. i know i was selfish. but ugh, i feared of reaching her breaking point. i knew i pushed it all along. what do i do now? since my fear came true. what now?
i dont know, i dont like this. i dont like where were at. why cant we just love?
not this, condemning eachother now?
this is not love. Love is patient and kind.
i am never patient or kind. i deserve this.
she has every right to leave.
yeah, i've faced my fears. but now what? what do i do when it attacks me?
i forgive you.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
yehhhhknow, life's not bad. i make like it is. but its not. im stable, have a good family, roof over my head. food on the table. clothes on my back. peeeeeerrrfeeeectttt girlfriend, pretty intimate relationship with god. i am content.
not complacent. i plan to make the future as close to God's will as possible.
anddddd im tired of writing crap blogs. im not a depressing person.
except to ivony, so dont ask her if i am or not. shed bash me with a kick to the face if she ever got the chance. -and if god forgave her -_______-
i thinkkk i wanna get back into writing. moke status maybe. change it up a bit. meditate on it. include God more into my creative thoughts. include girlfriend possibly? or how about do one for girlfriend (:
i neeeeeda start reading and work on the expantion of my vocabulary. learn new literary terms and trends. possible vernacular language? moke status (:
cooooookies are starting to mellow out. i neeeeed to trust in papa more.
scripture of the day, proverbs 16:32.
help me relaaaxxxxxx papa? ive been getting nutsss lately i dont even know why. its hard for me to forgive easily and ive been putting the burden of bitterness on towards certain people. i needa forgive the flake, the follower, the lost child, soundguy, braddah man, soooooo much others. my brains just so fried from trying to deal with all this on my own. papa put me in my place. make me nothing, stop letting me make you into my personal god. or a genie or something. pocket god. stop letting me do that. throw me in the fire, burn me drown me. break all my bones. i deserve this, i treat you like crap. and im not acting like a son a father would be proud of. tear me down and build me back up again. so i can make you proud, i would do your will and not mines. id stop being mad at you, but id have more understanding. id stop slacking, and id do whats right not what i feel is right. help me to tell ivony everything. to lead our relationship by example. so be patient while she makes the mistakes. and love her when she does. help me to lead us in the right direction, and to carry her burdens. to be her guide and comfort after you. help me to 1 corin 13:4-8 her haha. to be a better brother. not put stumbling blocks in front of her, but clear her pathways to put building blocks. legos whatever you use to build us, and her, and me up. give me strength, because ill need it.
i love youuuu papa, be a lamp at my feet, and guide my steps.
not complacent. i plan to make the future as close to God's will as possible.
anddddd im tired of writing crap blogs. im not a depressing person.
except to ivony, so dont ask her if i am or not. shed bash me with a kick to the face if she ever got the chance. -and if god forgave her -_______-
i thinkkk i wanna get back into writing. moke status maybe. change it up a bit. meditate on it. include God more into my creative thoughts. include girlfriend possibly? or how about do one for girlfriend (:
i neeeeeda start reading and work on the expantion of my vocabulary. learn new literary terms and trends. possible vernacular language? moke status (:
cooooookies are starting to mellow out. i neeeeed to trust in papa more.
scripture of the day, proverbs 16:32.
help me relaaaxxxxxx papa? ive been getting nutsss lately i dont even know why. its hard for me to forgive easily and ive been putting the burden of bitterness on towards certain people. i needa forgive the flake, the follower, the lost child, soundguy, braddah man, soooooo much others. my brains just so fried from trying to deal with all this on my own. papa put me in my place. make me nothing, stop letting me make you into my personal god. or a genie or something. pocket god. stop letting me do that. throw me in the fire, burn me drown me. break all my bones. i deserve this, i treat you like crap. and im not acting like a son a father would be proud of. tear me down and build me back up again. so i can make you proud, i would do your will and not mines. id stop being mad at you, but id have more understanding. id stop slacking, and id do whats right not what i feel is right. help me to tell ivony everything. to lead our relationship by example. so be patient while she makes the mistakes. and love her when she does. help me to lead us in the right direction, and to carry her burdens. to be her guide and comfort after you. help me to 1 corin 13:4-8 her haha. to be a better brother. not put stumbling blocks in front of her, but clear her pathways to put building blocks. legos whatever you use to build us, and her, and me up. give me strength, because ill need it.
i love youuuu papa, be a lamp at my feet, and guide my steps.
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