uhhhhh

yeah she just told me 'FUCK YOU'

hmmmph, i typed out this whole epic "EH F YOU WHAT!" fricken idk. like i did nothing, i told her im sorry and that im trying and that the reason im off was because i wanted to talk, but she didnt want to talk to me. it seemed that way the whole day.

and now i have all this ergh anger in me. that im gonna once again bottle up. im not gonna deal with it. im not gonna bring it to the surface. im just gonna shove it in with everything else.

idk even know how i was being selfish? i mean i told her i was a bad boyfriend.

and no i deffinately know that i am. i told her my number one fear last night. it was losing her.
but i lied about my 2nd.

my 2nd was this day. the day that i realize i've pulled her so far away that she ends up cursing me. the one thing promised forever that is on this earth. i realized that im no good thing, she lied. she promised on us, never was i the best boyfriend in the world. she lied, PAPA, NOW WHAT? HUH? you gave me one good thing. yeah i know i screwed it up. i know i was selfish. but ugh, i feared of reaching her breaking point. i knew i pushed it all along. what do i do now? since my fear came true. what now?

i dont know, i dont like this. i dont like where were at. why cant we just love?

not this, condemning eachother now?

this is not love. Love is patient and kind.

i am never patient or kind. i deserve this.

she has every right to leave.


yeah, i've faced my fears. but now what? what do i do when it attacks me?


i forgive you.