MANNNNNNN, myspace/facebook/this whole internet is killing me. i find out waaaaay too much info that i dont want to know. i dont want to know my VC is failing, my boys are drinking going to raves, rolling, i dont want to know they are slipping away from Papa. i dont want to know that past ex-girlfriends are now at their lowest lows and when they were once super good, they met me, now things are going so horrible for them. i dont want to find out and learn more things about my own girlfriend through her bulletins and other peoples comments, then i learn either on the phone, with her, or atleast texting her. i dont want to find out her favorite fruit is a mango through a bulletin. or her closest guy friend after me is keith. why cant she tell me this in person? or on the phone? im tired of this. this always always always brings me down. and i am tired of feeling the way i am. but i wont go and do that to my girlfriend. i wont post bulletins because she does or grow jealous or envious or even resentment towards her. ill forgive her. its only been 8 months. i mean theres alot more time and i dont expect her to grow whatever so fast in 8 months. its okay, things will be better later. but for now.
you gotta man up boy. stop crying, you got work to do. you got people to save, you got unfinished business, people to forgive. i have to stop looking toward the interests of myself but look to the better needs of others. i shouldnt be so selfish. but loving and compassionate instead.
instead of being on this, or myspace whatever. i should be talking to God. learning more about ivony so i dont have to find out things via internet. i want to know via face to face. via heart to heart. i want to know directly from her instead of on myspace where now everybody knows what her favorite fruit is. i want to be special and have her tell me and spend more time with me then on myspace. i do want all her attention. and when im busy and shes bored, idk nvm. i dont know honestly.
frickennnnn ugh, i put too many bars around her. wtf is wrong with me? did i not write a whole paragraph on why im so self-centered and how i shouldnt be? why cant i take the steps to not be selfish? i want to ask her for help, but i know itll bring us down. i need help, i need jesus help. the only one whos stable and the only one id never be mad at because of something he did. i need to trust in him more, look at the cross and worship more. babe says i need to tithe. i need to tithe more.
i need strength papa, i cant do it alone. i know thats why you sent ivony. my one so early. but what if, i dont want to bring this up to her? that this irritates me? i do NOT want to restrict her papa. more than anything i want her to free willingly love me, free willingly show me she loves me in every little thing she does. to include me in everything. her past, present and future. please give her strength to do that? i know its alot. but shed think otherwise. but i know it is. please dontt let her read this.. i dont want to fight with her.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Endless?
yeah so, Things aren't going too swell. haven't surfed in a while. and surfing was thee only thing that allowed me to clear my head, regain focus, and sort my priorities out at the same time. so it led me here haha. im learning to let go of these wordly materials i possess. alot of them i did not mean to let go. but God had a bigger plan this whole time. in a way im glad, im being released of these burdens. but i seriously dont want to show my weakness. prideful, hah yeah. but all my life i've learned that 1.Haoles took our land and made us poor, and 2.not to be weak or imma get lickens hahah. i have always tried my best to stand strong. when people look at me they shouldnt know my emotions because im not gonna wear it on my sleeve.
and then YOU come along and change everything i have ever known not only about myself, my past learning, but also my relationship with God.
YOU have brought so many things to the light. and i know you will continue to do that even till it breaks me in half. these endless sins and possibilities you destroy. but the endless oppurtunities you create are a jillion times better than everything i wanted to hold onto. the worldy things felt so good, but you come and give me something that will forever feel good. you give me committment, a relationship, you show me love in the greatest possible form ---> you pray for me more than everyone else in the world prays for me combined. hahh. you are one of the greatest people IVE come to know. you are the greatest impact on my life besides Jesus. more then mark and justin. more then the VC people. more then my boys. more then my family. you have grown me soooo much this past 8 months. and i cannot thank you enough.
maybe i will, when our love becoems endless, our love moves into the new season. but thats 8 years from now hahahah. we have all the time papa has granted us.
but please stay? you've made it this far. yeh sure you can go back. but it was hard enough to do it with the both of us. imagina you doing it by yourself hah.
i love you, hold on.
and then YOU come along and change everything i have ever known not only about myself, my past learning, but also my relationship with God.
YOU have brought so many things to the light. and i know you will continue to do that even till it breaks me in half. these endless sins and possibilities you destroy. but the endless oppurtunities you create are a jillion times better than everything i wanted to hold onto. the worldy things felt so good, but you come and give me something that will forever feel good. you give me committment, a relationship, you show me love in the greatest possible form ---> you pray for me more than everyone else in the world prays for me combined. hahh. you are one of the greatest people IVE come to know. you are the greatest impact on my life besides Jesus. more then mark and justin. more then the VC people. more then my boys. more then my family. you have grown me soooo much this past 8 months. and i cannot thank you enough.
maybe i will, when our love becoems endless, our love moves into the new season. but thats 8 years from now hahahah. we have all the time papa has granted us.
but please stay? you've made it this far. yeh sure you can go back. but it was hard enough to do it with the both of us. imagina you doing it by yourself hah.
i love you, hold on.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
tied down
my new fav song? idkkkkk hahhh
umm not too good. i dont like being on the internet honestly because ivonys hides alot of her emotions here, in something tangible, something that will pass away. why cant she hide her emotions in something promising? something forever? like ME? or PAPA? idk its really irritating because she does everything on her own. solves her own problems without me. without papa sometimes. how am i supposed to be a good boyfriend and help her with her walk with god? help her bring things to the light? help her get rid of all the shit shes hiding from us and that she packs under the sand? sorry for swearing but this is getting to me. when will she understand that the internet is not gonna help her. she can diary journal whatever, but until someone keeps her accountable, she will never ever be released from these things that torment her. if she wonders why i hate being on the internet so much. its because shes a whole different person here then with me or on the phone. idk who im dating.
umm not too good. i dont like being on the internet honestly because ivonys hides alot of her emotions here, in something tangible, something that will pass away. why cant she hide her emotions in something promising? something forever? like ME? or PAPA? idk its really irritating because she does everything on her own. solves her own problems without me. without papa sometimes. how am i supposed to be a good boyfriend and help her with her walk with god? help her bring things to the light? help her get rid of all the shit shes hiding from us and that she packs under the sand? sorry for swearing but this is getting to me. when will she understand that the internet is not gonna help her. she can diary journal whatever, but until someone keeps her accountable, she will never ever be released from these things that torment her. if she wonders why i hate being on the internet so much. its because shes a whole different person here then with me or on the phone. idk who im dating.
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