on an ending note

BTW, i love you Ivony. you are horrible dirty stinky mean messed up selfish.


BUTTTTT youuuu are:
beautiful
the best smell in the universe
wonderful
perfect
LOVING
-patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not prideful, not rude, never self-seeking or easily angered, keep no records of wrong, rejoiceful in truth, protecting, trusting, hoping, persevering. never failing
insiteful
knowledgable
wise
greeeeat
faithful

my girlfriend, sister, bestfriend, WIFE.

you better not leave. you promised forever, yes i dont deserve it.

butttttt im gonna try my best most times to become close enough to deserve you.

i know for a fact no one in this universe will try harder than i will for us.

stay? hold on. never let go.

ROMANS 8:31

yeaaaah yeah yeah

yeah i know i get it. dont bug me all the time. im telling you it'll push me away.

in OTHER news, recovering. need to learn to relax and chill. trust alot more. proverbs 3:5-6 right? my fav scripture. why cant i learn from my own sermons and faith helping? where am i goign now? if you leave now, where does that leave me? im selfish, selective, picky, and reatrded for being so. i dont understand why you still choose to hold my hand. i dont hold yours. im going through motions and doing the scene. im home alone and let go of your hand there. out in the sun and i need you again to protect me. be my umbrella. but i just put you away when i get home. why do i use you as an umbrella? keeping me dry and out of the helpful rays outside of this temporary place. but when i get back into the comfort i set for myself i all of a sudden dont need you. because im comfortable. why? why do i ack dumb awlays? why do i instigate and fight you always? im losing it, going insane. kindaaaa epic, getting harder, faith has to play in alot more. ergh, help me to stop guessing and prove you right. shouldnt i know you, and who you are. what you do and where youve been. i should know. help me to have faith a bit? i can do this by myself, but id get farther with you. and plus, youve always been there for me. you could do this without me, but you choose not to. you choose to believe you cant do this without me. good. i need you, you dont need me. but then again, youre alot more loving then i am. exactly why i need you. im trying hard then i need to, if i let you be let you, id be mad. but you know better for me. i should trust more. im leaking, broken, flawful, far from imperfect, even farther from perfect. but you love me anyways. you shouldnt, but you do.



runningggg on empty, refuel me. but first, lead me to a gas station.

HAW ):

schooooool is getting pretty hard now. im in school now so hah.

ivonyyyyy i love you!


bessssstestestest girlfriend in the universe. i know what happened yesterday but i forgive you sweetheart. im sorrrrry for being a bad boyfriendddddd


ill update later?

just wanted to tell my wife i love her. :D

uhhhhh

yeah she just told me 'FUCK YOU'

hmmmph, i typed out this whole epic "EH F YOU WHAT!" fricken idk. like i did nothing, i told her im sorry and that im trying and that the reason im off was because i wanted to talk, but she didnt want to talk to me. it seemed that way the whole day.

and now i have all this ergh anger in me. that im gonna once again bottle up. im not gonna deal with it. im not gonna bring it to the surface. im just gonna shove it in with everything else.

idk even know how i was being selfish? i mean i told her i was a bad boyfriend.

and no i deffinately know that i am. i told her my number one fear last night. it was losing her.
but i lied about my 2nd.

my 2nd was this day. the day that i realize i've pulled her so far away that she ends up cursing me. the one thing promised forever that is on this earth. i realized that im no good thing, she lied. she promised on us, never was i the best boyfriend in the world. she lied, PAPA, NOW WHAT? HUH? you gave me one good thing. yeah i know i screwed it up. i know i was selfish. but ugh, i feared of reaching her breaking point. i knew i pushed it all along. what do i do now? since my fear came true. what now?

i dont know, i dont like this. i dont like where were at. why cant we just love?

not this, condemning eachother now?

this is not love. Love is patient and kind.

i am never patient or kind. i deserve this.

she has every right to leave.


yeah, i've faced my fears. but now what? what do i do when it attacks me?


i forgive you.

yehhhhknow, life's not bad. i make like it is. but its not. im stable, have a good family, roof over my head. food on the table. clothes on my back. peeeeeerrrfeeeectttt girlfriend, pretty intimate relationship with god. i am content.

not complacent. i plan to make the future as close to God's will as possible.

anddddd im tired of writing crap blogs. im not a depressing person.

except to ivony, so dont ask her if i am or not. shed bash me with a kick to the face if she ever got the chance. -and if god forgave her -_______-


i thinkkk i wanna get back into writing. moke status maybe. change it up a bit. meditate on it. include God more into my creative thoughts. include girlfriend possibly? or how about do one for girlfriend (:

i neeeeeda start reading and work on the expantion of my vocabulary. learn new literary terms and trends. possible vernacular language? moke status (:


cooooookies are starting to mellow out. i neeeeed to trust in papa more.


scripture of the day, proverbs 16:32.

help me relaaaxxxxxx papa? ive been getting nutsss lately i dont even know why. its hard for me to forgive easily and ive been putting the burden of bitterness on towards certain people. i needa forgive the flake, the follower, the lost child, soundguy, braddah man, soooooo much others. my brains just so fried from trying to deal with all this on my own. papa put me in my place. make me nothing, stop letting me make you into my personal god. or a genie or something. pocket god. stop letting me do that. throw me in the fire, burn me drown me. break all my bones. i deserve this, i treat you like crap. and im not acting like a son a father would be proud of. tear me down and build me back up again. so i can make you proud, i would do your will and not mines. id stop being mad at you, but id have more understanding. id stop slacking, and id do whats right not what i feel is right. help me to tell ivony everything. to lead our relationship by example. so be patient while she makes the mistakes. and love her when she does. help me to lead us in the right direction, and to carry her burdens. to be her guide and comfort after you. help me to 1 corin 13:4-8 her haha. to be a better brother. not put stumbling blocks in front of her, but clear her pathways to put building blocks. legos whatever you use to build us, and her, and me up. give me strength, because ill need it.

i love youuuu papa, be a lamp at my feet, and guide my steps.

criss-cross

MANNNNNNN, myspace/facebook/this whole internet is killing me. i find out waaaaay too much info that i dont want to know. i dont want to know my VC is failing, my boys are drinking going to raves, rolling, i dont want to know they are slipping away from Papa. i dont want to know that past ex-girlfriends are now at their lowest lows and when they were once super good, they met me, now things are going so horrible for them. i dont want to find out and learn more things about my own girlfriend through her bulletins and other peoples comments, then i learn either on the phone, with her, or atleast texting her. i dont want to find out her favorite fruit is a mango through a bulletin. or her closest guy friend after me is keith. why cant she tell me this in person? or on the phone? im tired of this. this always always always brings me down. and i am tired of feeling the way i am. but i wont go and do that to my girlfriend. i wont post bulletins because she does or grow jealous or envious or even resentment towards her. ill forgive her. its only been 8 months. i mean theres alot more time and i dont expect her to grow whatever so fast in 8 months. its okay, things will be better later. but for now.

you gotta man up boy. stop crying, you got work to do. you got people to save, you got unfinished business, people to forgive. i have to stop looking toward the interests of myself but look to the better needs of others. i shouldnt be so selfish. but loving and compassionate instead.

instead of being on this, or myspace whatever. i should be talking to God. learning more about ivony so i dont have to find out things via internet. i want to know via face to face. via heart to heart. i want to know directly from her instead of on myspace where now everybody knows what her favorite fruit is. i want to be special and have her tell me and spend more time with me then on myspace. i do want all her attention. and when im busy and shes bored, idk nvm. i dont know honestly.

frickennnnn ugh, i put too many bars around her. wtf is wrong with me? did i not write a whole paragraph on why im so self-centered and how i shouldnt be? why cant i take the steps to not be selfish? i want to ask her for help, but i know itll bring us down. i need help, i need jesus help. the only one whos stable and the only one id never be mad at because of something he did. i need to trust in him more, look at the cross and worship more. babe says i need to tithe. i need to tithe more.

i need strength papa, i cant do it alone. i know thats why you sent ivony. my one so early. but what if, i dont want to bring this up to her? that this irritates me? i do NOT want to restrict her papa. more than anything i want her to free willingly love me, free willingly show me she loves me in every little thing she does. to include me in everything. her past, present and future. please give her strength to do that? i know its alot. but shed think otherwise. but i know it is. please dontt let her read this.. i dont want to fight with her.

Endless?

yeah so, Things aren't going too swell. haven't surfed in a while. and surfing was thee only thing that allowed me to clear my head, regain focus, and sort my priorities out at the same time. so it led me here haha. im learning to let go of these wordly materials i possess. alot of them i did not mean to let go. but God had a bigger plan this whole time. in a way im glad, im being released of these burdens. but i seriously dont want to show my weakness. prideful, hah yeah. but all my life i've learned that 1.Haoles took our land and made us poor, and 2.not to be weak or imma get lickens hahah. i have always tried my best to stand strong. when people look at me they shouldnt know my emotions because im not gonna wear it on my sleeve.

and then YOU come along and change everything i have ever known not only about myself, my past learning, but also my relationship with God.

YOU have brought so many things to the light. and i know you will continue to do that even till it breaks me in half. these endless sins and possibilities you destroy. but the endless oppurtunities you create are a jillion times better than everything i wanted to hold onto. the worldy things felt so good, but you come and give me something that will forever feel good. you give me committment, a relationship, you show me love in the greatest possible form ---> you pray for me more than everyone else in the world prays for me combined. hahh. you are one of the greatest people IVE come to know. you are the greatest impact on my life besides Jesus. more then mark and justin. more then the VC people. more then my boys. more then my family. you have grown me soooo much this past 8 months. and i cannot thank you enough.

maybe i will, when our love becoems endless, our love moves into the new season. but thats 8 years from now hahahah. we have all the time papa has granted us.

but please stay? you've made it this far. yeh sure you can go back. but it was hard enough to do it with the both of us. imagina you doing it by yourself hah.

i love you, hold on.

tied down

my new fav song? idkkkkk hahhh

umm not too good. i dont like being on the internet honestly because ivonys hides alot of her emotions here, in something tangible, something that will pass away. why cant she hide her emotions in something promising? something forever? like ME? or PAPA? idk its really irritating because she does everything on her own. solves her own problems without me. without papa sometimes. how am i supposed to be a good boyfriend and help her with her walk with god? help her bring things to the light? help her get rid of all the shit shes hiding from us and that she packs under the sand? sorry for swearing but this is getting to me. when will she understand that the internet is not gonna help her. she can diary journal whatever, but until someone keeps her accountable, she will never ever be released from these things that torment her. if she wonders why i hate being on the internet so much. its because shes a whole different person here then with me or on the phone. idk who im dating.