criss-cross

MANNNNNNN, myspace/facebook/this whole internet is killing me. i find out waaaaay too much info that i dont want to know. i dont want to know my VC is failing, my boys are drinking going to raves, rolling, i dont want to know they are slipping away from Papa. i dont want to know that past ex-girlfriends are now at their lowest lows and when they were once super good, they met me, now things are going so horrible for them. i dont want to find out and learn more things about my own girlfriend through her bulletins and other peoples comments, then i learn either on the phone, with her, or atleast texting her. i dont want to find out her favorite fruit is a mango through a bulletin. or her closest guy friend after me is keith. why cant she tell me this in person? or on the phone? im tired of this. this always always always brings me down. and i am tired of feeling the way i am. but i wont go and do that to my girlfriend. i wont post bulletins because she does or grow jealous or envious or even resentment towards her. ill forgive her. its only been 8 months. i mean theres alot more time and i dont expect her to grow whatever so fast in 8 months. its okay, things will be better later. but for now.

you gotta man up boy. stop crying, you got work to do. you got people to save, you got unfinished business, people to forgive. i have to stop looking toward the interests of myself but look to the better needs of others. i shouldnt be so selfish. but loving and compassionate instead.

instead of being on this, or myspace whatever. i should be talking to God. learning more about ivony so i dont have to find out things via internet. i want to know via face to face. via heart to heart. i want to know directly from her instead of on myspace where now everybody knows what her favorite fruit is. i want to be special and have her tell me and spend more time with me then on myspace. i do want all her attention. and when im busy and shes bored, idk nvm. i dont know honestly.

frickennnnn ugh, i put too many bars around her. wtf is wrong with me? did i not write a whole paragraph on why im so self-centered and how i shouldnt be? why cant i take the steps to not be selfish? i want to ask her for help, but i know itll bring us down. i need help, i need jesus help. the only one whos stable and the only one id never be mad at because of something he did. i need to trust in him more, look at the cross and worship more. babe says i need to tithe. i need to tithe more.

i need strength papa, i cant do it alone. i know thats why you sent ivony. my one so early. but what if, i dont want to bring this up to her? that this irritates me? i do NOT want to restrict her papa. more than anything i want her to free willingly love me, free willingly show me she loves me in every little thing she does. to include me in everything. her past, present and future. please give her strength to do that? i know its alot. but shed think otherwise. but i know it is. please dontt let her read this.. i dont want to fight with her.